My mother asked me when I was playing video games. “Do you fear anything?” I paused my game, turned to her and said. “I do”. 

  Since I’m home for a bit of vacation before I leave again, I get to act the way I was before I left home. Like a little kid again, because that’s just the way I am. My mother still laughs whenever I do it, my family understands why I do it, and sometimes my friends. I don’t even understand why I do it. My sister claims it’s because I was robbed of a childhood while I was young and was forced to grow up. I don’t know what it is, I don’t care. I like it. I noticed kids live life with no fear. No fear of rejection, injuries, or consequences. But I have to realize I’m in the army and there’s a place and time for everything.

  For the record, I do have fears. Some small ones I can conquer like heights (Airborne). But there’s the not so small ones, like failure. My profession I chose in the army is healthcare specialist. In layman’s term I’m a combat medic. I chose this job because I want to help people, and what other way to help than to help the people that put their lives in danger. I learned in training that I can only save 15-18%. When I first heard that I paused, I thought we could save EVERYONE. What’s the point of my job? What about the other 82-85%? Do they just die in my hands? I just let everyone down, even their families. How would I live with myself? How am I gonna explain to the rest of the people? All of sergeants been through that phase too. They reassured me over and over with my skills and said if they don’t make it, the injuries were probably too great. “You’re not there to save lives, you’re just a time buyer.” That changed my whole perspective, he was right. A sergeant whose survived IED blasts and has TBI told us this.

   Then we talked to a triple amputee. For me he was like the walking museum of what a combat medic is supposed to do. His medic saved him, his medic went through the same training I did, the same camp, the same EMT class maybe, that medic saved a triple amputee. He made me appreciate my job even more. “Inches and Seconds” he would always say, cause in the battlefield that is what is going to save people.

  Also my other fear. God. I won’t get too much into this subject because I don’t want a religious debate. But he has given and taken from me. What I deserve and what I don’t deserve, he knows me better then I know myself. He understands me. And that is why I fear God.

                                                                            Until next time—-

                                                                                  Love,

                                                                                          Kevin Sun

      First of all I’d like to apologize. I was originally suppose to ship July 12, but due to missing paperwork, I shipped out in August 16. I know it was wrong not to tell y’all but I didn’t want you to go through all the emotions again. That and I had a lot of time to workout! But for real I apologize.

      Life in basic is okay, I guess. I mean I signed up for it.I only get like a minute to eat and I’m being told what to do and how to do it, but I always tell myself that I chose to do this and somewhere out there someone has it worse than me.

  But I don’t have a return address yet, and I won’t get one till like another 2-3 days. 

I might be able to call home and let my family know my address and I’m sure my sister will let yall know.

And when she does, I really want to know how everybody is doing with high school, college or whatever.

Love,

Kevin Sun

I know I haven’t wrote on this in a while, but I have had this thought in my had for the longest time. 

My first trip to Disney World was actually with my High School choir. Most everyone had gone at least once before me. So me being curious, I asked what could I expect from Disney World. Everyone gave me a different answer, but they were all in the same pool as “Fun, unforgettable and boisterous”. I’ve also seen on T.V. and various brochures that Disney World is just “Magical”. I thought this was a bunch of bull, and ignored it. I told myself I was way too mature to pay attention to any of the “Magical”. 
It wasn’t really until the Magic Kingdom, until I really felt it. The thing I saw was the castle and I was just in awe.  I’ve seen it on T.V. hundreds of times, but this was different. Just so many people gathered in this one place, was just an amazing feeling.

Walt Disney I really doubt you knew what you were getting into. You made a place where everyone can get together, and have a “Magical” time. My time there I met people from: England, Japan, Canada and even South Africa. Never before have I had the opportunity to be amongst so many people and be able to enjoy myself. 

And it struck me, even the older crowd was having fun. And they didn’t even go on the rides… I guess that is what is so magical about it. Walt Disney, you are one hell of a guy.

Which leads me to my next topic: The youth.

Every time the Disney performers asked for volunteers to dance, spar or even dance with them. None of the adults volunteered and the kids were jumping out of their seats and running on stage to perform with them.

I realized, kids don’t care about self-image, about what other kids say about them. They only care about having the most of whatever they can have at that moment. Their thoughts are genuine and are not masked by society. That is why I like working with kids most of the time, they will almost always tell you the truth. Like if your hair is messed up or if you’re annoying them, I believe if this world was more honest more things will be accomplished.

So in short I am jealous of the youth. They don’t have to worry about the stuff we have to worry about now, school, friends, the future. All they worry about is living the moment. 

I wish I was a kid forever. 

   I woke up this morning, with a roof above my head, air conditioning running on 72, walked of to my fridge full of food to grab my green tea. Then I went to my laptop and checked Yahoo! news, and realized today is Memorial Day. The very lifestyle I just described was a sacrifice of their lives and I admire anyone who sacrifices anything for a cause bigger than themselves.

   If you didn’t know there is a difference between Memorial day and Veterans day. Memorial day is on May 30th, and honors the people who have died in anytime of American military service. Veterans day is November 11th, and honors veterans, meaning people who have served during a American conflict and have survived.

   I was once asked in a job interview, “Who do you look up to?”. I answered without hesitation, my mother. And I had to ponder a bit for the next answer, but after a minute of pondering I finally answered “Military personnel”. I had to explain my reasoning, my reasoning for my mother was very simple. She raised me single-handily and is my drive to do all things I do. My reasoning for military personnel was a bit more personnel required me to be more intimate, about myself. And that seems to be my biggest flaw, I open up to people to quick.

   I responded to the question with a bit of a life story. “I really never grew up with a father, I lacked discipline and was lost on who I was for a while, so any military personnel that I have associated with, have been a role model to me” And as soon as that left my mouth, I realized that I tried to throw a pity party. That is never what I try to do. But I don’t regret it, I never regret anything I do. It is true, the absence of a dominant male figure in my life, left me wandering and for a while I was a deviant child.

   When I started high school I was still my old self, ignorant and misbehaved. I enrolled in the ROTC program, because my friends did and was too lazy to do P.E. Which is most likely why most people join, sadly. But as I gave it time, I allowed the ideas and beliefs of ROTC get to me.

   If you guys don’t know, ROTC is a military structured class. Where leadership is key, and the key to being a good leader is to be a good follower. ROTC has taught me this, and I can never thank them enough, and this is one of the many reasons I am joining the military.

   I know ROTC has a bad reputation around our campus. People see them as the weird kids, the weak people, or society’s rejects. And when people find out I’m in ROTC they are astounded that I’m not like the other cadets in ROTC. I have had to endure all the stereotypes for four years, and that in itself has made me a stronger person. What people say to me, doesn’t affect me in anyway. It’s what I say to myself and that is all that matters.

  So many of my peers are glad we get another day off. Some people travel and see their family and friends. Some might just take a lazy day. But I have a different meaning for memorial day. I will take time to actually think about the men and women who serve this country, to think that some of them volunteered to serve their country. If it wasn’t for something as structured as the military I honestly would not know where I would be. Men and women have sacrificed their lives to protect the very way that we live. That also has taught me a life lesson. That there is something out there bigger than me, that matters to all of us. Freedom.

  R.I.P. to all men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice. You are the true heroes.

   “Without heroes, we are all plain people, and don’t know how far we can go” - Bernard Malamud

                                                                                   With honor and valor,

                                                                                         Kevin Sun

I’m sorry I have been able to post anything, like my “poetry” or anything on tumblr. that requires alot of deep intellectual thoughts. I look for inspiration everywhere and all the time. I do this thing where I just walk outside and walk around, and inspiration just hits me. And that’s when I realized, you do not find inspiration. Inspiration finds you.

Anxiety has clouded my imagination, my thought process, and my judgement on things. The thing about anxiety, that sets it apart from other emotions, it that it involves more feelings than one. Anxiety, for the most part, involves fear, worry or nervousness. Or even in my case, excitement. 

Most of my peers are excited about what colleges they are going to attend, what their campus is like, who’s there roommate. Or if you’re modest you’re excited just about graduation. Well, I along with hundreds of kids across the nation, are enlisted in the military and going to basic training right after school.

Now I don’t want this to seem like a pity party, and seem cool for joining the military. I joined for unselfish reasons. (As mentioned in a previous post) I’m anxious about the change. Not from a civilian to a soldier. The change from me to someone foreign. I had this problem also beginning High School,I was nervous that I would change into something I would regret later on. Some inconsiderate douche bag that stomps on others feelings and takes everything for granted and respects nothing and no one. Now that may seem far-fetched. But I’ve seen those people. 

My mother once told me “There is change everyday, you can’t avoid it”. And I’m taking the quote with me for a while. Through the rest of school, through basic, through my deployment and through the rest of life. And if I change, for better or for worse. The future comes with change.

Love,

Kevin Sun

Real life is not like video games. You don’t get another chance after you die. You don’t get strategy guides to help guide you through life. You do not get cheat codes that make life easier, and you definitely just can’t quit the game.

But it seems like the youth does not know this. Well at least the youth I’m surrounded by. At a young age I was exposed to video games. But I’ve been through alot of things and witnessed things that made me realize, that this life is the only one I have. And since then I have drawn a very fine line from fantasy and reality.

I’m writing about this because a Marine who was a CO (Commanding Officer) of our J.R.O.T.C. program. Now as much as I roast on other branches, I respect what they do, and we are all doing one thing. Protecting this country. But as I was saying, he was telling us about his tour of Iraq, his drill in Japan, and his plan after the Marines. And then at the end he took questions. And question after question were things like “Have you heard of the FN P90?” “What was your favorite gun?”. There is a saying there is no such thing as a stupid question, but I just say there’s stupid people. This is not Call of Duty kids. 

I was also in a class where this kid was good at sniping at Call of Duty, and he wanted to be a sniper in the army. I just told him off, sniping in real life requires patience, mathematical skills, and discipline. Also I’ve talked to snipers who say its a psychological thing, where you have to follow a guy for maybe a day, watch him eat, spend time with his family, and you are the one to end his life. And if you do not know the math you need as a sniper are things like: Bullet drop due to gravity, Coriolis effect (the effect where the natural spin of the earth effects the bullet) cross winds, and maybe even humidity. 

So if you’re joining the military thinking that it is just like Call of Duty. I can’t even stop you. Go ahead. Be my guest. Stupid people die first.

Very eye-opening.  I have always been told war changes a person, but I’ve never really lived that close to a person to see the changes that people talk about. I can only hope that it changes me for the better. I’ve seen that war effects people differently. But we can’t control war. And I only hope the best for you, Caleb.

mrspeculation:

Reading a post by a friend planning to serve in the armed forces made me think about the repercussions of war on the men and women who protect us and their relations. Observing my father as a child, I noticed that the only people that my brother and I were exposed to through him were other…

Corrections :

My grandfather was a supply officer in the Air Force, but he told me stories about how he co-piloted. I misinterpreted.

My uncle, Sarat, passed away of starvation and not of lack of clean water and bad hygiene like I mentioned.

I just got done watching a couple of war movies, some oldies, some more modern. But none the less war, and the more I watch them, the more I hate it. War, you are the reason why many countries fall apart, you are the reason why innocent people are killed, but you are also the reason why I am here in this country.     

  If you don’t know very much about me, I enlisted in the army right after my 17th birthday. Prior to this, I was at a debate, from both sides of my family, my father didn’t really care. My uncle (mother’s side) gave me a point to think about, “Why fight for a country that is not yours?”. I really thought about it, he was right, I am of Cambodian descent, why fight for a country that isn’t mine?    

I couldn’t really answer it. (And in my culture it’s rude to talk back to an elder that is trying to give advice). But this question haunted me and I had to come up with an answer for it.         

For those of you who don’t know, I am the son of Cambodian refugees. My grandfather (mother’s side) was an Air force pilot, and my grandmother a farmer. (Keep in mind this happened alongside the Vietnam War). The civil war in Cambodia finally ended, on April 17 1975. The winning side, the Khmer Rouge overtook the capital, Phnom Penh and falsely stated “The Americans are going to bomb the city!” So everyone evacuated, young or old.

There was no attack from the Americans (well at least on Phnom Penh). The only attack was from their own people. People were moved from the city to the countryside, and the process began. The KR (Khmer Rouge) wanted to eliminate any “new people”, people who were anything other than peasants. And that meant my grandfather, but in all his wisdom he managed to lie to them, and didn’t die right on the spot. This was the KR’s ideal society (I know this isn’t right, but similar to what Hitler want with his perfect race).  While the peasants were slaving away farming and whatnot. The KR was out destroying temples, books, killing monks, and damage to Angkor Wat (one of the wonders). They wanted no knowledge, no records of anything, and no communication with the outside world. They named this year “Year Zero”.

My grandmother would tell me stories of how hard it was to get food, sometimes she would only have one rice ball per day. Or she would try to grow a plant close to her hut, and the KR would step on it and kill it. She told me how rat meat and crickets were a delicacy.

Also, my grandmother was pregnant. With her last son, his name was Sarat. (pronounced Sir-ot) He was my grandfather’s favorite child, but due to lack of clean water and good hygiene, he did not survive. My mother, when she was pregnant with me said that she had a dream with him in it, and he asked if he could live with her. My mother told my grandfather that story. That is where my first name came from. 

But after years of enduring this, the Vietnamese “liberated” Cambodia, and my grandfather took his family to a refugee camp, where they taught English and offered assistance to help get to America.

My grandfather was the first to come; to Dallas, Texas. He had to get the foundation set up in order to support his family. He did not know very much English, and was more fluent in French. He worked in a wine store, earning petty cash a day and working to get a GED. He was a very intellectual man, but going somewhere not knowing anybody, alone, with your family halfway across the world, in a very hostile part of the country is the most hardest thing to do.

None the less he raised enough money, got one of his close friends to find his family. (Which is like finding a needle in a haystack). And they made it here safely. They were separated for 8 years. My mother has a newspaper article about it, and every time I see the picture, I cry. 

These events (even though I wasn’t born at the time) made me who I am. I appreciate every little thing around me, I am not a picky eater, and I respect my grandfather. I still look into my grandfather’s eyes and see all the despair he went through, I will never understand what he went through. But I can only respect it.

And that is what aspires me today, to do the things I do. To go the military, to do choir and ROTC for almost 4 years, and to graduate high school. It might not seem like a big deal to graduate, but some of my distant cousins decided to drop out and just be bums. And I see some of my race, joining gangs and causing mayhem. And I just don’t understand, didn’t we just come from that? Have we not learned our mistakes? I don’t believe 2012 or something like that is going to end the world. I believe it’s going to be the ignorance of people.

So if my uncle ever asks me again, “Why fight for a country that is not yours?”. I would reply “For the same reasons you came to this country.”

Side Note : I will try to ask my mother for a copy of the newspaper article.

Love,

Kevin Sun